Microboundaries - Better Communication is Possible

The Rev. Mark Carlson, a licensed marriage and family counselor, recently gave a seminar titled, "Microboundaries: Protection of Love" which can be downloaded for free as an MP3 or listened to live online.

In it he identifies seven aspects of a person's sense of self that he identified as their micro boundaries:

• Beliefs


• Opinions


• Thoughts


• Intentions, Desires, Motives


• Feelings


• Your experience of your body


• Your experience of your family of origin

His lecture proposed answers to questions I had and questions I hadn't thought to ask - expanding my understanding of what makes us individual human beings, what healthy communication is, and even how to effectively parent children.

In a handout given at the talk, Mark Carlson layed it out this way.

In comparison with violations of another's Macroboundaries like:

• Physical violence or cruelty


• Lying


• Humiliation


• Using sarcasm or teasing, belittling, and ridicule


• Disparaging another's friends


• Name calling


• Gossiping


• Triangulation: An unwillingness to talk directly to someone you are having a problem with, and talking to another instead

Violating another person's Microboundaries happens when we communicate by:

• Telling another person how to think, feel, believe, etc.


• Telling another person that you KNOW how THEY think, feel, believe, etc


• Speaking for another


• Commands, coercion, manipulation or statements that start "You must..." or "You need to..."


• Forbidding


• Moralizing, Preaching, Making a judgment on another's spiritual state or destination


• Saying "You always..." or "You never..."


• Pretty much every "You" statement, even "I feel that you..."


• Any statement that could be summarized "You think I feel that you feel..."


• Negating another's thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memory, ...


• Not allowing another person to change


• Predicting to another the future of their inner state


• Expecting others to mind read, or know your unexpressed thoughts, feelings, desires, ...


• Minimizing or denigrating another's physical pain

This talk really opened my eyes to see how I could care for the people I love and communicate in a healthy and productive way with everyone I have contact with. You can find the audio online at http://www.newchurch.org/sermons/index_html?s=701